


Why Can't I Be Perfect?

by Riverspirit86



Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M, Ulquiorra gets an eating disorder, mentions of self harm, sad as hell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-18
Updated: 2013-09-18
Packaged: 2017-12-26 23:03:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/971329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riverspirit86/pseuds/Riverspirit86
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ulquiorra sees Grimmjow in Orihime's room and begins to think of ways to get Grimmjow to look his way, even if that means going to an extreme. This is based on a story I read called Your Bones On Mine on Fanfiction.net.</p><p>This story could be very triggering and very scary in the eyes of some. Song-Fic. Two-Shot.<br/>Grimmjow X Ulquiorra</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Can't I Be Perfect?

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Your Bones on Mine](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/27652) by SuperSpecialAwesomePie. 



> This story has extremely detailed descriptions of anorexia and bulimia and mentions of self harm. If you are triggered by any of those, please do not read this story.
> 
> This also has song lyrics mixed into the story. The song is Big Isn't Beautiful by King Adora.  
> It also switches points of view in the middle of the story. Just an fyi.
> 
> I do not own Bleach.

"Stupid trash. Why does HE always have to be so obsessed with that girl?" I muttered, upset.

I had just walked in on Grimmjow and that stupid girl, Orihime, who Aizen wanted alive for some odd reason. No, they weren't all the way, but they were close. I had immediately slammed the door behind me as I ran out into the hallway, choking on my tears. I was running until I realized that anyone who saw me would wonder why the normally stoic espada was crying and mumbling words to himself. I slowed my pace to my normal, casual walk and forced my tears back.

As soon as I got to the door with the gothic number four on the front, I nearly ripped my door off its hinges in my haste to get into the quiet room that I called home. I sat down on my bed and let my head fall into my hands as my tears started flowing. I was sobbing quietly, occasionally gasping for air because of the force of my silent pain. It was so quiet that I could easily hear the faint knocking on my door. I straightened up on my bed, before standing up carefully. I wiped my tears on the sleeve of my uniform before walking silently to the door, only to open it to see Grimmjow's worried face.

"Ulqui? What's wrong? I saw you run out of Orihime's room while I was there . . ." He began nervously, looking at my eyes carefully.

"Why do you care? Trash." I muttered in my most normal voice that I could muster. A single tear rolled down my cheek, following the lines that ran down my face.

"Ulqui? Are you . . . crying?" Grimmjow asked worriedly, stepping into my room and closer to me.

I immediately took a step back as I muttered, "No. Why would you say that?" I glared at the azure haired man standing in my doorway, almost daring him to question me further.

"Because I saw a tear run down your cheek!" Grimmjow growled at me, getting frustrated.

I smirked, "You must be hallucinating, Trash. Since when do I cry?" I was mentally beating myself up for not ending the conversation quickly. I had to get him out of here so I could go to pieces silently.

"Well, pardon me for giving a shit about you! I just wanted to know if you were okay after seeing me and Orihime!" He shouted at me.

I almost flinched in shock. Grimmjow actually, cared? Given, in an odd way, but heck, it was close . . . But I couldn't let him see how that affected me, so I just kept my indifferent mask up. "Why wouldn't I be okay? It was just two pieces of trash interacting in an inappropriate way. Now, Sexta, I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone."

Grimmjow's hand inched towards his sword before deciding that it would be a bad idea to fight me. "Well, I'm so sorry, Mr. I-Don't-Give-A-Fuck! I was just making sure that you wouldn't tell your precious Lord Aizen about my 'inappropriate actions' with the prisoner!" He was thoroughly pissed off now.

I mentally started beating myself again. Why should I even have hope that he cared about me? He just said that he only checked in on me was to make sure that I didn't tell our superior about his stupid actions. Well, I had had enough. I pointed my finger at Grimmjow's face, starting a cero. "Trash. Get out."

Grimmjow growled one last time before turning around and slamming the door on his way out. I sighed, in relief and in pain. I crumpled to the floor, sobbing, yet again. Then my head snapped up. I knew what I had to do.

* * *

I smiled faintly, my blood running down my wrist. I gently dabbed at the fresh cut with a wet towel, before my quick healing took over and made the cut disappear. That was the one thing that I hated about having the regeneration ability. My self-inflicted wounds never left scars. The only scars I had were on my heart. If I even had one to begin with.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I conjured up a mental picture of that stupid girl and compared it to my reflection. Yeah, there was the obvious, we were of different genders, but there was also the fact that Grimmjow liked her, not me. And that was what I was searching for. Differences between me and that girl which I could control. The one that stared me right in the face was the fact that she was curvy, thin in the waist, with a full bust. I looked at myself in the mirror, seeing no curves, just basically a stick. Even though I didn't consider myself overweight, I figured that if I lost a little weight, then my waist would suck in and I would have some curves, minus the bust. But also, there was her hair. I didn't really like having my hair long, but it could stand to miss a few trims. But other than that there wasn't really anything else that I could change. Except for my personality. I shuddered at the thought. Me, happy and bubbly? Not happening. But the hair and the curves I could do. And was it worth it for Grimmjow? Yes.

_I want your heart shaped lips, lips_

_Cooler hula hips,_

_I want to feel my bones on your bones, baby,_

_I wear my heartache on my sleeve,_

_I love myself to much to see . . ._

_It haunts my dreams . . ._

One week later, and I was already seeing signs of my work. One could see the faint outline of my hips and ribs, but other than that, there was only a slight indent in my waist. I needed to go to one meal every other day, rather than one a day. But in my hair, you could see the difference. It was around the bottom of my jaw before and now it was just barely touching my shoulders. I growled at myself. I had seen Grimmjow sneaking into that idiot girl's room about once a day and he hadn't even looked my way. Maybe, instead of eating every other day like I had planned earlier, I could eat every two days. That could work.

"All espada are to report to the meeting room to get their assignments for the week," Lord Aizen's voice boomed over the speakers. I left my bathroom, putting on a clean uniform before leaving my room. As I walked down the hallway, I thought of all the ways I could indirectly show Grimmjow my new body, once I got it of course. But I would have it soon.

* * *

"Grimmjow, you and Ulquiorra are to go to the human world and monitor Ichigo Kurosaki for me." Aizen had called us over once the meeting was over.

Grimmjow groaned. "Why do I have to be stuck with that emo freak?" He groaned again.

I tried very hard to not let Grimmjow and Lord Aizen see how much that comment hurt me, so I just masked it in slight annoyance. "Do you think that I am happy to be going on a mission with an idiot like yourself?" I smirked slightly.

"But you're the idiot here! You don't even show emotion! It's really creeping me ou-" Grimmjow was interrupted by our Lord.

"Grimmjow. Stop it. He will be the one in charge of this mission, due to his higher rank. Deal with it." Aizen smiled before dismissing us.

We walked back to our rooms in silence; the only thing breaking it was our soft footsteps. When we reached my room, Grimmjow finally spoke. "Well, I guess we have to leave soon . . . I'm going to go pack my bags and I'll meet you outside my door in ten minutes?" His voice was surprisingly soft.

"Fine by me." I muttered quietly, entering my room. I packed quickly, not having much to bring. Luckily, Lord Aizen had provided us with human clothes and also a credit card to buy more if needed, in addition to buying food. He had also taken care of our housing arrangements. We would be sleeping in the same room, unfortunately for Grimmjow, since he hated me. While thinking to myself about Grimmjow, I heard a soft knock on my door. I opened it to see a pissed off Grimmjow.

"Where were you! It's been fifteen minutes!" He growled in annoyance, entering my room without my permission.

"Relax Sexta, I was coming out right when you knocked. And for however long we are together on this mission, can we at least be civil with each other?" I hoped in my head that he would say yes.

"Fine . . . Now let's go!" He said impatiently, opening a garganta right in my room, stepping in and motioning for me to join him. I stepped in after him and we walked together into the human world.

* * *

"Hey, Ulqui? You seem kinda thin. And you haven't been eating lately. Are you okay?" Grimmjow questioned, looking over my skinny body. His face turned from his normal cocky smirk to a face of worry and concern.

"It's none of your business, Sexta." It had been one month of one meal every two days, and the results were finally showing. I was finally getting the body I wanted. My waist was caving in, giving me almost an hourglass figure. One could see my ribs clearly, along with my hip bones.

"You sure you're okay?" Grimmjow looked at me pointedly. Was he actually worried about me? Well, I was about to find out.

"Why do you even care?" I mumbled, looking away from him.

"Because you're a friend . . ." He muttered, looking down at the floor.

My heart almost stopped. Grimmjow thought of me as a . . . friend? It couldn't be. All he cared about was that stupid girl. It must be a joke. But, as much as I wanted to reply that yes, he was a friend to me too, I couldn't. I couldn't tell him that until I was perfect.

_It haunts my dreams..._

_(It haunts my every dream) Every boy wants a body to die for,_

_And every girl who's thin is his rival,_

_I wish I had a body to die for,_

_Skinny is sexy,_

_Big isn't beautiful._

But, unfortunately, now that Grimmjow had noticed that I was barely eating, he sat with me through every meal, watching, and sometimes forcing, me to eat. I almost hoped that he cared, until he let me be on my own after eating. I had been wondering how I would keep the weight off of my almost beautiful body. After eating these past few days, I had almost gained five pounds. I was worried, since my figure was losing its slight hourglass shape. I didn't want this! NO! I HAD to think of another way to get rid of the calories I was eating. And that's where Grimmjow leaving me alone came in. About five to ten minutes after eating, I would go into the bathroom and throw up all that I had eaten. It didn't taste or feel good, but it was what I had to do. I felt better after I lost those five pounds, and then some.

_I'm gonna shed me some skin,_

_Get me real real slim,_

_I want to feels my bones on your bones,_

_I am a teenage Drama Queen,_

_I throw my guts up for self-esteem..._

_It haunts my dreams..._

_(It haunts my every dream)_

My original body was five foot six and a half inches, and about 121 pounds, and that was skinny. I now weighed about 90 pounds. I was finally beautiful. I was a pretty as the prisoner, in my eyes at least. But that didn't matter. Grimmjow's opinion was the one that mattered. Now, just how to show him.

_Every boy wants a body to die for,_

_And every girl who's thin is his rival,_

_I wish I had a body to die for,_

_Skinny is sexy,_

_Big isn't beautiful._

I was coming out of the shower when I heard the front door open into Grimmjow's and my apartment. I immediately knew that this was the right time to show off my body and my hair, which was about to the middle of my back. I tied a towel around my thin, bony hips as I walked out into our shared bedroom. I left my wet hair down, as it was getting hard to handle. I then walked up to Grimmjow, who was sitting on his bed, taking off his shoes, and asked him what he had found out about Ichigo.

"Nothing much today," He mumbled tiredly before looking up and seeing my skinny body. His eyes widened in shock as his gaze raked over my entire body. My protruding collarbone and ribs, my hips which were basically bone, my arms that could be snapped like toothpicks were all the subjects of his terrified eyes.

"Ulqui? W-what happened? W-what's wrong? Did I do something?" He slipped over his words as he stood up and gently, carefully, pulled me into his arms.

I started crying like a little child when he pulled me close to his chest, accidentally letting me hear his heartbeat. It was racing. As soon as he pulled me into his arms, he let me go, tears in his eyes.

"Ulqui, get dressed. I'm taking you to the hospital." He said hurriedly, putting on his shoes quickly, and then pulling a sweater over my skin and bone figure. He looked away as I shakily put on some boxers, then pulling on some loose sweatpants.

The clothes nearly fell off . . . and they were a size zero in girls, the smallest I could find.

This was the first time I was actually scared. What had I done to my body?

* * *

In the car, driving to the hospital, Grimmjow kept talking to me, trying to keep me awake. Unfortunately he was speeding, which was soon picked up by a cop. Grimmjow growled in annoyance when he heard the sirens going off behind us.

"Shit . . . This is NOT good!" He muttered under his breath as he slowed to a stop on the side of the road. He rolled down his window in preparation to talk to the police officer. I took this time to put my head on the window as I fell asleep.

* * *

**Grimmjow's POV**

"Good evening, Officer." I said calmly, though my heart was racing from anxiety because I was being delayed in taking Ulquiorra to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?"

"You were going 20 miles over the speed limit. Is there any reason why you were going so fast?" The police officer's voice was stern.

"I was taking my friend to the hospital. He hasn't been eating for a while now, and when he does, he throws it all up. I'm really worried about him."

The police officer stuck her head inside the window to look at Ulquiorra sleeping in the passenger seat. Wait . . . Sleeping! Not good!

"Look, not trying to be rude, but I really have to get him to the hospital. You can escort me if you don't believe me." My panicky tone must have convinced her that I was telling the truth.

"Okay, sir. I'm going to get in my car and then you can follow me to the hospital. And wake your friend up. He might go into a coma." Her voice was still stern, but it had taken on a twinge of worry and concern.

"Yes, Ma'am!" I waited until she got into her car before gently shaking Ulquiorra.

He didn't wake up.

_Ooh, ohh ohh . . ._

* * *

**Grimmjow's POV**

I pressed my hand against his chest, feeling for a heartbeat or breathing. Luckily, I felt his heart beating, but only just. By this time, the police officer had started her car and was slowly driving past my car. She motioned to me to follow her. She put on her car's sirens, immediately speeding up to 15 miles above the speed limit. I gunned the engine, driving with one hand on the wheel, the other holding onto Ulquiorra's cold, skin and bone hand. I looked over at him occasionally, just making sure that he was still alive.

"SHIT!" I yelled to the dead silent car. I hit the steering wheel with the hand that was on it, accidentally making the car swerve a little bit. "Ulqui . . ." I whispered, "Why?" I knew I wouldn't get an answer, but it still felt okay to ask. He would be getting the third degree with me once he woke up anyways.

My hand that wasn't on the wheel was still holding onto Ulquiorra's ice-cold hand. His hand was slightly tense, alive basically, so I could notice it when his hand went completely limp. The only noise in the car had been my panicked, sped-up breath and Ulquiorra's faint breathing. So I could notice it when he stopped breathing.

"SHIT ULQUI!" I screamed. "You are NOT going to die on me! I love you too much for that to happen! WAKE UP GODDAMIT!" I shook his fragile frame gently, but with a force. I hoped to wake him up. I had to!

* * *

**Grimmjow's POV**

Luckily, the hospital was literally right around the corner. My car screeched into the parking lot, where a team of doctors and nurses were waiting. I figured that the police officer had called ahead to tell the hospital that we were coming. I hurriedly put the car into park, raced around to the passenger side, and gently carried Ulquiorra as I ran to the nurses who had as stretcher waiting.

"Please!" I tripped over my words, "You have to save him! He's all I have!"

The first nurse, a young female, gently placed her hand on my shoulder, saying, "We'll do the best that we can, Sir." The rest of the nurses, two females and one male, and the two doctors, one female and one male, were hurrying to get Ulquiorra's lifeless body into the hospital.

I ran after them, taking turn after turn throughout the twisting halls of the hospital. I stopped suddenly when they turned into an isolated room at the end of the hallway. I knew immediately that this was an ICU room. I glanced over at my friend's comatose body, turning away when the doctor ripped off Ulquiorra's shirt. I flinched when I heard the sharp 'CLEAR' and then the thud of a body, more specifically, Ulquiorra's body, hitting the hospital bed. I shuddered, hearing the whole ordeal over again.

Suddenly a loud 'BEEP . . . BEEP . . . BEEP . . .' shook me out of my thoughts. Was that . . .?

"He's responding! Get an I.V. stat! Heart rate, low as expected. Breathing, low as well. Get a blood pressure cuff on him ASAP!" The doctor yelled out loud, directing it at no one but everyone at the same time.

I stepped off to the side of the room, letting the nurses and doctors work over my friend's body. And that is when reality hit me. I could lose my friend, my love, my life. But why? Why would he do this? I'm sure he knew that he could have died. In fact, he almost did.

Then a realization happened. Ever since that day he saw me with Orihime, he hadn't been himself. If only he knew the truth.

I sighed, running my hand through my hair while pacing in my corner, watching the whole ordeal as my friend was being brought back to life. I winced and turned away as the doctor stuck a needle in his skin and bone arm. I figured that they were giving him something to counteract the shock that his body was obviously going into. I glanced back and saw a sight that made my blood turn to ice.

They were pulling a sheet over Ulquiorra's body.

"NO!" I ran over to his bed, before being pulled away by two nurses. I stretched my hand out to him, as if trying to bring him back to me. A sharp sting came from my cheek. I looked around, trying to figure out what happened. Then I saw a hand coming towards my face. I flinched and closed my eyes in preparation for the slap that never came.

"Sir, you need to calm down!" said one of the nurses restraining me. "He's not dead!"

I froze in shock. "He's not dead?" I repeated stupidly, my words not making sense.

"No Sir, he's not. His core body temperature is very low and he needs to be kept warm. That is the only reason why he is covered with a blanket. Look at him. He's breathing. His heart is beating. Listen. The monitor is still keeping time with his heartbeat. Please Sir. You need to calm down." The other nurse told me gently, trying to soothe my fears.

I nearly collapsed in relief. I let the nurses guide me over to a chair at the other side of the room, before sinking wearily into the hard hospital chair. I let my head fall into my hands as my shoulders started to shake. I felt several teardrops hit my lap before I realized that I was crying. I looked up at my friend's emaciated body with tear-filled eyes, wondering why he had done this to himself. The doctors' voices shook me out of my trance.

"He's waking up!"

I stood up quickly, watching my friend slowly start to move. One of the nurses came up to me, tapping me on the shoulder to get my attention.

"Sir? He's responding to our treatments, though he is still in a slightly unconscious state. We have done everything we can to put him in a stable condition. He might be able to fully wake up if he knows that someone is here for him, other than the doctors. I can tell he means a lot to you. You may pull up a chair to the bed so you can talk to him. Try to wake him up."

I nodded my thanks, dragging my chair over to his bed. I reached my hand out to take his hand in mine. But before I did, I looked up at the nurse, silently asking if this was okay. She nodded, before speaking.

"If you need anything, press the call button or yell out to us. We will be here in an instant if needed." She placed her hand on my shoulder, silently giving me strength, before walking out the door, closing the curtain cover after her.

I turned towards Ulquiorra, taking his ice-cold hand in mine while placing my other hand on his bony cheek. I rubbed circles on his face, speaking soft nonsense to him.

"Ulqui . . . Please, wake up. I need you. I need you to live. I need you here, with me, forever. So please, wake up. Wake up, for me. I don't care if you call me trash or hate my guts; I just need you to be alive. I need to be able to see you, every day, no matter if you ignore me. I just want to see your stoic face, not moving or showing emotion for anything. I mean, I would prefer you to show emotion for me, but I doubt that would happen. But please, Ulqui, wake up." I barely noticed that my tears were flowing freely, landing on Ulquiorra's cold hand. But I did notice when his hand shifted slightly in mine.

"Ulqui? Are you there? I'm here. It's going to be okay. Just please, wake up. For me. I'll do anything for you once you wake up. Please, just wake up and tell me what you want." My tears started flowing harder, my shoulders shaking as I lay my head on the bed. I removed my hand from his cheek so it could join its brother in holding Ulquiorra's hand. I placed his hand on my cheek, holding it there with one of my own hands. I rubbed his arm, trying to bring some warmth to his bony frame before I broke down sobbing.

"Please Ulqui. Please wake up." I was begging his unconscious body, trying to get him to come back to me. I felt his hand move again, this time, stronger. I looked up quickly while pressing his hand closer to my face.

"Uqui? Please wake up. I'm here. Please, just show me that you can hear me. Give me a sign. Please."

I saw his head move to the side closest to me, while his hand stroked my cheek faintly.

"Ulqui? Are you awake?" I reached up to cup his cheek, gently rubbing in circles. My tears started falling freely again when I was graced with the privilege of seeing his emerald eyes slowly open.

"Hello, Grimm."

**Author's Note:**

> The next chapter will be up soon.


End file.
